justonezero | The World Overflow

… That would hurt me, too. Yoshi… don’t look away, please.

[ … ]

I’m not that great of a guy. I can’t say the same. If anyone else looked at you and knew you more than me, I’d hate it. If anyone else - guy or girl - thought they could love you more than me, I’d wouldn’t be able to stand it. I wouldn’t be able to accept it.

I’m not - not selfless. I’m greedy. You might resent me instead actually.

-!

[He does look up - expression concerned.]

I'd never resent you.

[He can't be certain Akira will want to stay with him, can't be certain he won't do something harebrained enough to ruin everything all over again, but-

He can be certain he'd never, ever resent the other boy's choice.]

No? Not ever? You’re sure?

[He nods.]

I'm sure of it. ...I couldn't resent someone like you, ever.

Someone like me? What’s that, an idiot in love?

[ but he does offer yoshi a faint smile, kissing the concern between his brows ]

I’m sure too, though, that you’re the one I want. No regrets.

[His fears aren't fully eased; he just doubts in himself too much, even knowing as he does that it's practically an insult to Akira to continue to think that way. But...

But, just a little, that worry fades. Just for this moment.]

...You always try to understand me, more than anyone else. You're always really patient with me...

I could never resent someone who tried harder than anyone to know me.

[Only himself, if, despite all that, he managed to drive them away all the same.]

...As long as you're happy with me, I'll stay with you. But... saying it so forcefully...

...It's still really tough.

[Too easy to imagine all the "what-ifs," every possible disaster, every possible mistake.]

Stay with me because you’re happy - because I make you happier than anyone else.

[ don’t stay with him just because he’s the one that fell first ]

You don’t need to be perfect to be loved, Yoshi. I already wanted to understand you before… everything. Worrying about you, getting upset over you, all that is just a natural part of caring for someone. It’s not - an obligation I’m forcing myself through. I want to worry about you, I like taking care of you, and I like that you take care of me.

[ the reality, deto knows, is they can be this close, be in each other’s arms and even closer, and the cracks left on yoshi’s heart will still be out of reach for him ]

I know it’s tough for you. But, Yoshi, it’s also real tough - [ the last couple of words come out strained and he pauses to let the tightness in his throat ease before he continues ] - when it’s easier for you to imagine a worst-case scenario and say it, than to - … [ he stops again, thinking over all the ways he could phrase it. but he’s always been blunt, and that’s just how he’ll be ] … accept that I would want to love you for the rest of our lives.

But. [ that faint smile again, small and worn at parts. he kisses yoshi’s lips before an apology can come out because he doesn’t want to hear that either ] That’s why we’re practicing, even if those words don’t feel true when you say them now. I’ll show you I mean it and maybe one day, they’ll feel better to say.

[It's good he's so quick to kiss the words away, because from the sudden look of alarm and guilt, an apology was exactly what was on the way.

...This is what Mithrun warned him about, isn't it? Either he will learn, or he won't. And if he doesn't, he'll just continue to hurt the person he loves most.

It's another one of those silent moments of internal conflict, wrestling with the kneejerk feeling that it really would be so much better, if he faded away too much to hurt or cause hurt, existed just enough to help and only that.

But... Akira wants him here. And beyond that - he wants to be here with Akira. And... if he can't change himself right now, then...

...He worries his lip for a moment before speaking up again:]

...I'm the only one you'll ever love.

[Practice.

The words still don't feel quite right on his tongue, so he'll continue:]

And... you're the one that makes me happiest.

[That comes much, much easier.]

I can definitely do better.

[ if yoshi wasn’t already in his lap, he’d lift him up high - hug the other boy tight to show him deto’s conviction. his arms tighten with the thought ]

For the person who makes me the happiest, too.

[He relaxes in that grip a little, a small smile finding its way back onto his face.]

...Guess we both have more to learn.

[He still feels like he has much more to go than Akira, but... it's heartening, nonetheless, to not be the only one working on it.]

As long as we both try, we’ll reach each other.

[ he matches that smile. what hurt he had felt earlier is soothed by them talking things out. showing vulnerability is always rough; it’s both too easy and hard to do so with yoshi. his pride chafes with it, but he’s willing - always willing for the other boy. any insecurities they have, as long as they keep talking, deto thinks it’ll be alright eventually ]

Together, yeah?

Mm. Together.

[He presses close, nuzzling at Akira's neck. There's still the urge to apologize, for saying the things he does, for being the way he is, but...

He pushes those feelings away, and it comes out instead as:]

...Thank you. For everything.

[For talking and explaining and loving.]

You’re welcome. [ murmured into the fluff of his hair, the words light. he considers thanking yoshi back, but decides the words aren’t as important to yoshi as his actions. and he’s fully willing to keep showing the other boy again and again how lucky he feels, how grateful he is

he could say thanks and he thinks yoshi will only see the tip of the iceberg of his affection, not the mass underneath the water of every overwhelming feeling he carries centered around one boy ]

I’d do a whole lot more just to see you smile. So prepare yourself for life.

It doesn't take that much?

[He smiles all the time! ...Even if these days it's often more reflex than necessarily because anything good is happening.]

You are made to smile, true. My favorite ones seem to be a little rare though?

[ says deto who smiles at yoshi the most and everyone else pretty rarely ]

But when they come out, it feels extra special.

[His confusion is clear on his face.]

Eh- wait, favorite ones?

[What does that even MEAN.]

[ to be clear: ]

I like any expression you make, but… there’s a couple I like best. [ and not just smiles ] You can probably figure out which ones eventually, so I’m not telling.

Eh? Ehhhh?!!

Why not?!

I believe in you.

...

Is one of them when we're having sex...?

[Seems a little obvious, but......]

[ what a question… he goes a little pink ]

You’ve made it during sex, so I guess that’s half right.

Outside of it, too?

[????

Not that he has any idea what he looks like during sex to begin with.]

Of course. Yoshi… why did you bring sex up first…

It seemed like it would probably be right, but if I make the same expression outside of it I'm extra stumped...

[ … ?! what does his boyfriend think of him - ]

I mean, you’re super sexy in bed, but I already had my favorites before, uh, our first time.

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