justonezero | Ichigo Catchall

[Yeah, he's....seen how Yoshi has been acting today, and he wants to check and see if he's alright. So, with some hot chocolate in hand, he's going to go talk to Yoshi.]

Nanase?

[Wherever he is, anyway.]

[There's been tears. There's been numbness. Fear, worry, sympathy--

It's a whole world he's never known until he came here, until he died, and it hurts so much.

By the time Ichigo finds him, it's a moment of calm again curled up in the lobby. He's not really sure what to do with himself anymore, particularly knowing he needs to be careful with his vision.]

Oh-- hi, Ichigo.

[His smile doesn't reach his eyes.]

[...Ah.

He knows that smile - and he just hands over the hot chocolate, sitting down next to him.]

...Bad memory?

[He almost feels like he shouldn't ask, but -

Asking is an important step, here.]

[He reaches over for the hot chocolate, holding it in both hands, feeling the warmth through the mug. When he speaks, it's very matter-of-fact.]

I tracked down big bro Mikado- mm, my future self. He was dying from overusing his eyes, so they killed him.

[A beat. And then:]

I told everyone what I do for the Foundation, but they all still want me around...

[Even if he's supposed to track them down. Even if he's supposed to bar them from freedom.]

[That's...sure a lot that he just learned - but he reaches out and places a hand on Yoshi's shoulder, trying to be comforting.]

...They care about you. And - just because the Foundation used you doesn't mean you're a bad person, Nanase.

If it did, no one would want to talk to me.

[That was just...a fact of life, when you worked there as an Agent. The price of being alive in this world meant that sometimes, you had to take someone else's life away.]

...I'm sorry, though. That - must have been hard.

[The memory was definitely a lot, that's for sure.

He just drinks his hot chocolate, looking at nothing in particular.]

It was basically like a game to me. Tracking people down, that is. I just didn't expect the one to die to be someone I knew... I guess?

[How much did he really know Mikado, when Mikado was truly himself?]

Even if people were arrested... even if they died... as long as it was for the greater good, it should have been fine, right?

[But then Mikado - Yoshi was killed. Erased for his uselessness.

Some part of him argues: that should be fine, too. For what is he unless he's useful to humanity? Unless he can devote himself to humanity?

And yet...]

[There's moment where Ichigo is silent, considering that.]

...What really is the 'greater good?'

[It's something he's thought about, in this forced isolation of his. When his life of forced missions became something less, and he had time to think about everything alone.

It's made him turn a little philosophical, really.]

Back then - you weren't like you are now. You've come a long way, and you're questioning what you're doing. What you do from here, right?

I guess what you need to ask yourself, is - do you think it's fine to keep doing what you did?

The greater good is... whatever makes the most people in the world happy. Especially if it could make everyone happy.

[It's impossible. He knows that. But it's how he thinks, anyway.]

...I don't want to keep tracking people down like that. But if I say no, will they even let me?

[That's the part he's unsure on. Because if they used Mikado until he was just something to be disposed of, then...

Why bother listening to the tool if it protests its use?]

...I think something like that is impossible in any world, Nanase.

[He says it as gently as he can, but there is nothing that will make everyone in the world happy, and certainly not everyone.

But he drops it, listening to what else he has to say.]

...That's what we're trying to change about The Foundation, Nanase. They see us as tools - and we want to make it so that they realize we're more than that.

And - I'm sure Red, at least, would listen to you. Maybe even Archer, if you phrased it the right way, but - you're better off with Red.

But - I'm glad. I'm glad that you realize that you don't want to do what they tell you, for the 'greater good.' Not if it comes at a cost to you.

[He looks over, placing his hand on Yoshi's head.]

You're a lot more valuable than just a tool they can use up and throw away.

[But what if we just mind control everyone into h a p p i n e s s.]

..."We?"

[Who's "we?" Is there a group within the Foundation like that...?]

...Mm. I don't know if it's really because of the cost to myself. [He'd like to live a long life of course, but...]

...I want to make people happy. I'd do anything for it! But... tracking people down for the Foundation like that...

That's not the kind of happiness I want to give people.

[Not the joy of ending a life.]

Ichigo Catchall

Week 5, monday

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cw: suicidal ideation

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